Coming Clean With Money

Money is one of those creations that has taken me some time to really get the lessons.  I was quite the entrepreneur as a child.  Making fudge and peanut brittle, picking plums to sell to children at school.  Earning money cleaning my dad’s shoes and car.  Saving my coins and opening up a savings account, which I still have to this day.  I loved coming up with the ideas, taking the actions and seeing it all bear fruit.  I enjoyed seeing my family make money.  One of my favourite memories, is after my father branched out on his own and opened up his own hardware store.  One Friday, he came home early with the biggest smile on his face.  He was lit up like a birthday candle and his delight was contagious.  In his hand, he had the biggest stack of bills.  100’s, 50’s, 20’s and 10’s and he was taping them all over the bedroom walls to surprise my mother when she came home.  I just remember laughing and jumping up and down on the bed, as I shared his joy and our fortune!  So, so cool! 

I had a budget when I graduated from college.  I loved to write the numbers down to see where my money was going, what was coming in and how much I was saving.  I loved to see that savings grow!  I delighted in balancing my cheque book to the penny.  It was easy to deal with bills, because the money was always there to pay on time and there was always plenty to buy whatever I wanted. 

Somewhere along the way, I took a detour.  Things became more restricted and limited as far as money went.  Without realising it, I chose to create something different for myself and I began to experience a lot of struggle, smallness, fear and confusion with my finances.  One bankruptcy eight years ago led to minor embarrassment and I thought that I had learned my lesson.  Apparently not, because several years later, I was facing over $30,000 credit card debt, possible divorce, tons of resentment, pain and confusion.

At one of the Avatar® courses, I was sharing a room with another Master and through our connection, I confessed that I had stolen some money from my husband.  It was
embarrassing to me, but the weight of it was considerable and I confessed.  It was like a weight off of my chest.  The crazy reality, was that I had taken $20 cash from his drawer to buy fruit for myself and my children. The fact that I had not asked was a heavy burden.  So ridiculous really, because my husband is generous and happy to give to me.  I, on the other hand, did not like asking.  I had considerable resentment about his having more money, more identified power, and I resented having to ask him for anything.  Whew!

On the Avatar Wizard’s course,  I came face to face with a secret that I had been
carrying.  $30,000 in credit card expenses that my husband knew nothing about.  He had an inkling that I would run up two of my cards to the maximum limit.  I did.  He had no idea that I had gotten a third card without his knowledge and was approaching the limit there too!  I had been lying to myself, justifying and rationalising my reasons to avoid the shame and pain of his holding up a mirror to my face.  I had done it yet again!  An intelligent woman, mother of two, master’s degree, licensed Avatar Master and here I was again.  Down in this same stupid creation of lack and limits!  Another Master asked me if I wasn’t tired of this creation, and I said, “I guess not.”

God, what was there left to learn that I had to keep repeating this same nonsense over and over again?  Faced with losing my marriage, having to cash out my retirement fund to cover my debts, I slowly began to answer this question.

It became crystal clear to me that I had no appreciation or gratitude for many of the things present in my life.  My husband was almost like an object that I used to get what I wanted.  I didn’t have to say “thank you” to him.  He was supposed to take care of me.  He promised my father that he would.  I guess in many ways, I created this box to put myself in, so that my husband could continue to play the ever loving father role and take care of me.   The problem was, he wasn’t my father, I was not a child and nobody followed the imagined lines that I wrote!

My Avatar tools were a godsend.  I did much integrity work that year.  Much work on forgiveness and daily application of appreciation and gratitude.  They no longer became something that I did when I was on an Avatar course or just when I was feeling good.  That state of appreciation and gratitude became a living, breathing part of my existence. I felt it when I was outside in nature, enjoying the peace and tranquility of the forest.  I felt it when my husband would call throughout the day, asking what if anything he could do to make my day easier.  I felt it when my children’s noise was no longer resisted and I could be present and love them just the same.  I felt it from a quiet, clear space inside of myself that was serene.

There are areas of our lives that are easier to work through than others.  There are
areas that we work on again and again, accessing new levels with deeper meaning and lessons.  Coming clean with money has shown me the richness of my life.  Where I thought that I had so little, I was not attentive to the abundance that surrounded me.  Where I resented,  I missed the true value of what has always been present. 

Next month, I celebrate my 16th wedding anniversary with a grateful heart!  My
relationship is a blessing and my choice.  In the area of money, I feel clean, pure and free.  There is the delight again that I once knew years ago.  I feel it with my earning, saving and spending.  On the outside, it may look like I don’t have much money each month.  To me, it feels like I have the whole world in my hands.  What I do have, I spend consciously.  I enjoy sending money for my mother and brother in Jamaica.  I pay for my brother to go to art school and I feel the pleasure in knowing how happy this makes him. I give to my mother freely, no longer entering this back and forth fight about what she is going to do with it.  I give it free and clear.  This year, I had saved up enough money to pay for the baby-sitter for my children while I reviewed the Wizard’s course.  What a joy to be free of worry and anxiety about whether or not I would have enough!  I had extra at the end!  An unexpected bonus!  I like being in this clear space that comes from doing the work, being honest, taking responsibility and feeling sweet appreciation for all of the many gifts that life offers every day.

Avatar offers many tools where we are able to come clean in our lives and gift ourselves with new life.  The support from other Masters to do the work, to go deeper is an added gift that I am thankful for.  My concept of prosperity and wealth has certainly expanded over the last few years.  Money is one piece of the picture.  An inner feeling of richness that comes from recognising blessings everywhere that one looks.  Treasure even in the most unlikely sources.  Darkness can so readily turn to light when one has the eyes to see and feel what is really there.  Avatar taught me to always look beyond the obvious to an often simpler, deeper truth.

From Living Deliberately, Harry Palmer says, that “being honest is really a question of courage - courage enough to face what we fear.”  When I dug deep into the issue of money, I encountered feelings of sadness, helplessness, powerlessness, fear, confusion and doubt.  It does take tremendous courage to look yourself squarely in the mirror and face what we may be hiding.  I decided that freeing myself from this weight was worth whatever discomfort  I may temporarily face.

Harry continues by sharing, that, “honesty is a path that leads to happiness.  Becoming honest is an act of self renewal.

When we summon the courage to take ownership of our experiences, to see them just as they are, to feel them, we will recover the blueprints of our lives.  We will face our fears and find the transparent beliefs that create them.  Becoming more honest with ourselves means introducing more honesty into the collective consciousness of the world, and this lays a foundation upon which an enlightened planetary civilization® can be built.

The result of living honestly is feeling and sharing - compassion and empathy!  There is a joy in willingly integrating with the consciousness of others.  Attention and creative energies combine with a synergetic result.  Networking and new opportunities present themselves.  Relationships develop that are rewarding and provide a measure of security that no amount of money, power or fame can provide.  Valid trust arises.”

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