What I have learned from my Avatar work and was reminded of while I was on silent retreat recently, is not to compartmentalise my life.  Being in service, being on retreat doesn’t stop once I get home.  There is no dividing line.  The work, the process continues into my daily life.

A five night silent retreat with Adyashanti was my choice for an anniversary gift.  What a beautiful gift it was and continues to be as it unfolds and expands into my life.

Some memorable occurrences...

Flying to retreat from North Carolina to California and experiencing the outer edges of Tropical Storm Faye.  Dense cloud cover like a sea of white at 39,000’.  Who knew clouds were up so high?!   I forget my Geography.  Surprised at the smooth flight and no turbulence, even with all of the clouds. 

Waiting patiently for hours in the San Jose airport.  Happy and content to just sit, do nothing but wait for my shuttle.  Loving the shuttle ride up the winding mountain.  Feeling like a kid with hands in the air on a roller coaster ride shouting out “wheee!” again and again!

Feeling incredibly grateful for simplicity and Adya’s re-directing us back to ourselves, to our own answers, to our own truth and not fighting with reality... what is.

Experiencing one moment in silent sitting when I was really hot and uncomfortable.  Remembering last year’s retreat with many days of an unseasonable heat wave and crazy, buzzing flies.  Eventually giving way to surrender in shear defeat!  Feeling the willingness to let go sooner and surrender to the moment.

I was struck by the level of integrity of our group.  The desire evident to hold the container of silence for ourselves and each other.  The willingness displayed to show up, to be real and to go deeply into the silence.

Beautiful chanting with Adya’s wife Mukti.  The prayer / blessing in sanskrit:

Ohm.

Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu
(repeated several times - translation:  may all beings everywhere be happy and free.)

Ohm.  Shanti, shanti, shanti.

Reaching out with my awareness and feeling Adya.  Such strength, such beauty and such grace.  An incredible being who I feel fortunate to have been led to last year.

Two experiences that stood out when Adya was working with two people after satsang in the question and answer period.

The first.  Feeling awareness along with the man who stood up in total frustration and was guided to explore the question, “who am I?”  Feeling awareness which really is indescribable.   Yet,  the closest words that I can think of for my experience were sweet, tender and fullness.  I took this feeling into the evening hours, walking to my room with the dark starry sky above.  Feeling awe-struck and wonder.

The second.  A lady was sharing her fear of flying and ultimately her fear of dying.  As I listened to her, a tremendous fear began to slowly arose within me.  I could feel it heavy, packed and dense in my chest all the way up to my neck.  I took the feelings into the following silent sitting to experience and explore fully.

The feeling seemed related to knowing that my children would feel pain and sorrow at my death.  I did not want them to feel this anguish.  Staying with it led me to the knowing that my children would be fine in time.  It also led me to the desire to see and experience them as Source beings.

Later, the feeling further wound into what I might experience as the plane was going down.  The total loss of control of bodily functions at the same time that I am confined in a small space.  Absolute powerlessness.  An old and familiar childhood feeling.  Staying with it led me to what I want... the feeling of being unbounded, unlimited, unconfined and totally free.  Such an amazing journey inwards.

After all that I have learned over the years, putting it all into practice to simply be who I am. 
Open-heartedness.  Presence.  Appreciation.  Awareness.

This morning I was really struck by all of the goodness coming my way, so much so, that I was kind of at a loss with what to do! There was a similar quality to it like when I look at a room filled with lots of papers and piles everywhere and the sense that I have to do some clearing or organising before I can think or move forwards. Anybody relate to that?

Two huge boxes of curriculum sitting on my bedroom floor waiting to be shelved. Old curriculum waiting to be taken off the shelves and boxed. New school supplies to be put away. Much clearing of the school room to be done so it feels right.  School starts tomorrow.

Many e-mails coming in related to mentoring and my Avatar work. Classes, exercises and intros. to be done. Dates to be scheduled.

Organising our daily school year calendar and getting a sense of how the day will flow with adding my five year old into the mix.

Soup to cook.

With all of this, I felt like all was well, much to do, but all was definitely well.

Then, my husband and children came home with bags and boxes of stuff! Stuff and more stuff! Soup bubbling away. I looked at all of the stuff and it felt like all of a sudden,

I had reached some limit where my brain was now all set to revolt! The goodness was now being perceived as something else entirely!

"Mmmm, soup smells good," says Marshall, my hubby.

I see that the large box of freshly hand-picked raspberries also have a bonus of a few ants.

"Yeah, soup for lunch'" cries Dominique.

I notice that the fresh tomatoes and strawberries have a few overly ripe ones that need to come out, so they don't leak and spoil the rest.

"Soup? What kind?" Mikkel looks into the pot and decides that maybe he could try a little. He goes outside.

A few minutes later as I am contemplating the food on the counter, I glance outside. Mikkel is skating around on the wet porch with the muddy dogs, using my mail bin as a new umbrella. That's it! I tell him that if he plans to get dirty then he may be spending the day outside. He likes that idea and picks up the mop. With gusto, he begins mopping the front porch. All of the dogs look on with much interest. I sigh. I know that I am not really going to let him stay outside all day, nor am I letting him in with muddy, wet feet. I set down a towel by the front door.

I deal with all of the bags and boxes and soup gets served. My husband remarks that this is an excellent soup and I feel totally closed off to receive the compliment, because I am still telling myself some unheard but felt negative story about all of the stuff in my life.

I quietly go upstairs while everybody is just settling themselves at the table. I sit on the floor in my bedroom and close the door. I take in a few deep breaths. I feel inside for what the story is...

I don't want to be picking out any stupid ants. Why did you have to bring home all of these things that are not clean? I don't want to be picking through any stupid tomatoes, raspberries and green beans! I don't feel like going to the outside freezer and putting away all of these boxes of... Who is going to eat this? I just want to deal with what I want to deal with. I don't want you bringing me extra tasks to perform!

Time for a reality check! I know that I have a glorious day before me and my mood is definitely not aligned with the glory of it all.

What's really going on? Plenty incoming work. Plenty incoming food. Plenty of school supplies. A wet child. A wet porch. Three wet dogs and a mop.

I tell myself a new story.

Isn't it wonderful that I have so many new people interested in the services I provide? Isn't it wonderful that my family was thoughtful enough to go to the farm and bring home an abundance of fresh food? Isn't it wonderful that my child gets to be a child and enjoy the much needed rain and keep the dogs company? Isn't it wonderful that my husband appreciates what I do and lets me know? Isn't it wonderful that he goes shopping often, and we always have plenty? Isn't it wonderful that we can afford the curriculum that we love? Isn't it wonderful that there is so much abundance in my life, that for a moment, I am totally at a loss with what to enjoy first? Isn't it wonderful that my cup runneth over?

Okay, now I am smiling again and my perspective has shifted. I go back downstairs, now totally happy to be with my family and enjoy our soup.

Later when I went on the computer, I found my daily message from TUT.  I think that the Universe was amused by me today and let me know:

 Appreciating what you have little of is easy, Nicola.

 Appreciating what you have lots and lots of takes a spiritual master.

 And you so have lots,
    The Universe

Did you have an instance today where you felt negative and were able to shift and see all of the positives of the situation? Let us know!

Love,

Nicola

                                             Soft gaze tenderly stroked another day

                                         Close the door and awareness greets itself.

The breath of awareness. 

When I am open and in tune to the flow, I feel fully alive and inspired.   There is no effort, no pushing against, no restriction when I am one with spirit and All-That-Is.  Awareness is the energy force that I rest in... that animates and breathes life into the form that I know as "I" and the forms that I know as "you."

What is it that you do to let go?

Realise my powerlessness in the situation, the futility of striving. 

Just like step one of Alcoholics Anonymous or any other twelve step programme:

"We admitted we were powerless over ________,  that our lives had become unmanageable."

Genuinely become willingly to surrender and let go.  

Just like step two, when we realise that of ourselves we can do nothing.  We need to surrender to a power greater than self:

"Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I am so grateful to the twelve step work that I was introduced to in the mid 80's.  First for myself and then with my clients.  A beautiful, simple and honest programme that has saved many a life.  Thank you.