Help
Sign In
adyasha
November 2009 
Self Inquiry and a Personal Lesson
Posted on Aug 20th, 2009
by 
Nicola
Nicola
Self Inquiry and a Personal Lesson
Last night, I had quite a life lesson that came out of a short interaction with my 9 year old daughter. She was sharing a project that she had completed and the rest of our family was listening attentively. She was describing all of the objects that Abel, the mouse in her story, had packed in his sack. The list got really long and the items seemed to get bigger and bigger. I was amazed that the sack could hold a blanket and that the mouse would be able to carry it and then I burst out laughing when she added that Abel also had a tiger skin in the sack! So, something about the image of this mouse realistically, or not, carrying all of this loot around amused me no end! Yes, I laughed and loudly at that! I am not one that holds mirth in very well! I almost had to leave the room at one of our home-school choir programmes, for fear of erupting into uncontrollable giggling at something my dear daughter was probably not supposed to be doing! But, that’s another story!
Back to this one. So, out of left field, it felt to me anyway, my daughter heatedly criticised (felt more like lamblasted) my laughing at her. She later burst out crying and apologised for doing this and we were able to work through it together. The point is not really about this aspect, but about what it brought up within me as I went from feeling really centered and happy to all of a sudden feeling separate and unhappy... The self-inquiry relates to how I get disconnected from Source.
In Adyashanti’s book, “The End Of Your World: uncensored straight talk on the nature of enlightenment,” he writes about being willing to be honest with ourselves. To look and ask, “What in me can still go into division? What in me can still go into hate, into ignorance, into greed? What in me can cause me to feel divided, isolated, full of sorrow? Where are those spots in me that are less than awakened?”
Last night, I experienced many of those “spots.” I felt like someone had burst my bubble of happiness. I was laughing spontaneously at something that felt amusing and I was startled by my child's angry outburst. It felt like an attack, because it “hit” me unexpectedly.
I felt hurt that she was seemingly making me wrong and bad. It felt like I was being reprimanded for being happy and joyful. There was a momentary confusion of sorts with the shock of her response and a feeling of needing to withdraw and protect myself.
Looking back, it seemed from my body language, that there was some shame as I felt myself wanting to retreat, protect and disengage emotionally.
There must be some unconscious or hidden desire to “pay her back,” because I stopped any eye contact, ceased to “follow” her story or give any feedback. I had withdrawn my emotional support which is one way in the past I shut myself away from others. There’s got to be a belief in there about "If you hurt me, I’ll get you back."
Buried in it all, there is a profound feeling of sadness to feel thrown abruptly out of joy. Somewhere in there too is a limiting belief about outside factors affecting my moods. Also the feeling of “Why would someone do this to me?” A sadness when people don’t behave “nicely” to each other.
I can feel the whole thing again, like it’s taking place right now. I am sitting there, heart wide open, defenceless, innocent and someone throws a spear into my heart. The beliefs, thoughts and feelings flow shifting from disbelief to anger... I cannot believe that my loved one would hurt me. I feel betrayed. You’re not supposed to do this. This isn’t fair! This is not how you play. I can’t believe you did this to me. You did this. You spoiled everything. How could you?
The beliefs now shifting from anger to a desire to hurt back and seek revenge.
If that’s the way you’re going to play, I’ll show you! You don’t know who you’re messing with!
Wow! This one goes all the way back (and probably further still) to a distinct and familiar memory of when I was in school. I was about 10 or 11 and I had a picture that I had drawn with a heart on it. Inside the brightly coloured heart, the bold words, “I love me.” I was feeling completely delighted, innocent and happy with my new discovery. This was followed by an unexpected and startling reaction from my teacher who felt that I was incredibly selfish. I know that I got my palm or leg slapped with the wooden ruler. I don’t recall if there was any other punishment. There again, I was left with the feeling of betrayal. Seemingly attacked by someone who stood in a position of authority and whom I viewed as being one to cherish and protect children.
The lesson for me becomes how to remain open-hearted and connected to Source when things like this come up? How to feel compassion for us both? How to continue to love with all of my heart, remembering that we are all much more than our personalities.
What’s the truth of all of this for me? We are human and Divine in nature. When I see others as only human, I miss the bigger picture. I limit what I see before me and I limit the eyes from which I see. When I feel my connection to Source, there is the immediate knowing that I have enough love and compassion in me to maintain my connection with others no matter what. I also remember that no matter how it looks on the surface, nobody is less than Divine. The stream of love flows steady and without interruption.
Last night, I had quite a life lesson that came out of a short interaction with my 9 year old daughter. She was sharing a project that she had completed and the rest of our family was listening attentively. She was describing all of the objects that Abel, the mouse in her story, had packed in his sack. The list got really long and the items seemed to get bigger and bigger. I was amazed that the sack could hold a blanket and that the mouse would be able to carry it and then I burst out laughing when she added that Abel also had a tiger skin in the sack! So, something about the image of this mouse realistically, or not, carrying all of this loot around amused me no end! Yes, I laughed and loudly at that! I am not one that holds mirth in very well! I almost had to leave the room at one of our home-school choir programmes, for fear of erupting into uncontrollable giggling at something my dear daughter was probably not supposed to be doing! But, that’s another story!
Back to this one. So, out of left field, it felt to me anyway, my daughter heatedly criticised (felt more like lamblasted) my laughing at her. She later burst out crying and apologised for doing this and we were able to work through it together. The point is not really about this aspect, but about what it brought up within me as I went from feeling really centered and happy to all of a sudden feeling separate and unhappy... The self-inquiry relates to how I get disconnected from Source.
In Adyashanti’s book, “The End Of Your World: uncensored straight talk on the nature of enlightenment,” he writes about being willing to be honest with ourselves. To look and ask, “What in me can still go into division? What in me can still go into hate, into ignorance, into greed? What in me can cause me to feel divided, isolated, full of sorrow? Where are those spots in me that are less than awakened?”
Last night, I experienced many of those “spots.” I felt like someone had burst my bubble of happiness. I was laughing spontaneously at something that felt amusing and I was startled by my child's angry outburst. It felt like an attack, because it “hit” me unexpectedly.
I felt hurt that she was seemingly making me wrong and bad. It felt like I was being reprimanded for being happy and joyful. There was a momentary confusion of sorts with the shock of her response and a feeling of needing to withdraw and protect myself.
Looking back, it seemed from my body language, that there was some shame as I felt myself wanting to retreat, protect and disengage emotionally.
There must be some unconscious or hidden desire to “pay her back,” because I stopped any eye contact, ceased to “follow” her story or give any feedback. I had withdrawn my emotional support which is one way in the past I shut myself away from others. There’s got to be a belief in there about "If you hurt me, I’ll get you back."
Buried in it all, there is a profound feeling of sadness to feel thrown abruptly out of joy. Somewhere in there too is a limiting belief about outside factors affecting my moods. Also the feeling of “Why would someone do this to me?” A sadness when people don’t behave “nicely” to each other.
I can feel the whole thing again, like it’s taking place right now. I am sitting there, heart wide open, defenceless, innocent and someone throws a spear into my heart. The beliefs, thoughts and feelings flow shifting from disbelief to anger... I cannot believe that my loved one would hurt me. I feel betrayed. You’re not supposed to do this. This isn’t fair! This is not how you play. I can’t believe you did this to me. You did this. You spoiled everything. How could you?
The beliefs now shifting from anger to a desire to hurt back and seek revenge.
If that’s the way you’re going to play, I’ll show you! You don’t know who you’re messing with!
Wow! This one goes all the way back (and probably further still) to a distinct and familiar memory of when I was in school. I was about 10 or 11 and I had a picture that I had drawn with a heart on it. Inside the brightly coloured heart, the bold words, “I love me.” I was feeling completely delighted, innocent and happy with my new discovery. This was followed by an unexpected and startling reaction from my teacher who felt that I was incredibly selfish. I know that I got my palm or leg slapped with the wooden ruler. I don’t recall if there was any other punishment. There again, I was left with the feeling of betrayal. Seemingly attacked by someone who stood in a position of authority and whom I viewed as being one to cherish and protect children.
The lesson for me becomes how to remain open-hearted and connected to Source when things like this come up? How to feel compassion for us both? How to continue to love with all of my heart, remembering that we are all much more than our personalities.
What’s the truth of all of this for me? We are human and Divine in nature. When I see others as only human, I miss the bigger picture. I limit what I see before me and I limit the eyes from which I see. When I feel my connection to Source, there is the immediate knowing that I have enough love and compassion in me to maintain my connection with others no matter what. I also remember that no matter how it looks on the surface, nobody is less than Divine. The stream of love flows steady and without interruption.
Access: Public
Nicole, you have given clarity to your own feelings. Maybe the way through this is in remembering we are not an island in the stream but in the stream with all others interconnected, perhaps ask her what her feelings were before she reacted as she did ? Maybe sharing your feelings and hers will bring new perspectives and understandings?
I love that Gael, thank you for that perspective! I kept coming back to where I had left off, feeling like maybe there was still a little more left to unravel…
Things from childhood can stick with us, I still have no confidence with art because a teacher derided a piece of art that I did. The teacher was very modern and into modernist art and I was a country church going child, I had
painted cherubs on clouds and was thrilled with my picture, she virtually told me it was crap. She had forgotten my world then was small, now I appreciate all art including fantasy surreal and some modern, but to do it myself my hand is stayed by those never forgotten words. Pleased you found that helpful Nicola
What I love now, is that, as aware and willing adults, we can bring a fresh perspective to an old picture. We do not have to lose anything, even when someone views us in a way that is less than divine. We do not have to cut ourselves off from Source to see ourselves in a way that is less than divine. It is possible from a much broader perspective to always flow compassion and love. That definitely includes us!
By the way, my daughter and I had a nice heart to heart talk today which opened things up even more. At the time, she had been feeling upset, embarrassed and then angry, because she thought that I was laughing at her and her work. Thanks again Gael, for your reminder of our inter-connectedness. Went a long way to promote further understanding between myself and my daughter!
Big hugs and much gratitude!
So very pleased it helped you both. I read this yesterday, and yes it really is like going full circle, no grand arrival and hey presto enlightenment, after seeking, just arriving back at ourselves, but knowing ourselves, warts an all so much more intimately and accepting same in divine love-
I am what I am
I think it’s the right time to explore a deeper interpretation of Shinran, because I think it might help those who are racked by guilt, by distinctions of flesh and spirit, and by the other dualisms of Western culture. He also speaks to those who have tried so hard to have the victorious life, to change themselves, only to find “I can’t do it. No matter how hard I try, I’m still what I am.” But Shinran basically said, “You are what you are. If you accept that and see through it, there’s a deeper level in you.”
Shinran trusted in Buddha-nature. He taught that when the awareness of just what you are as a foolish being appears, then your Buddha-nature comes through too. It comes to fruition. To me, Shinran points directly at my reality. What I see in Shinran, I can’t let it go. And it won’t let me go.
The smple matter in the narrative is difference of perceptions due to intellectual gap,owing to age gap in this case. This is common to feel offended crossing others in any manner. But a valid reason to unveal ridiculous can make both laugh insted.
“It doesn'r matter what happens to you, what matters is, how do you behave when it is happening.”
Thanks for that perspective Tariq…
Hi Nicola, I know how feels to miscommunicate with one of your loved ones. My youngest, Thomas, is super sensitive! He's a lot like I was when I was a kid (I call him mt little twin),but much more sensitive at heart. It's a real reality check when we lock horns, because he can really get into a rage, and it's a challenge to keep your head about you as a parent and regain control in a loving manner! Whew! I can easily get those same feelings of being attacked, disrepected, etc. I try to create an awareness within myself that he's feeling the same way, so I try to break the cycle/circle of negative energy by apologizing to him if it's appropriate (many times it is!), and if not that, then validating his feelings and emotions, and encouraging him to talk about them. He bounces back pretty quickly if I do these things. If I'm tired, stressed, or what-have-you, and I don't do these things, he tends to remain stuck in his defense mode until I disarm him with love…not always easy when people feel under attack and trust is broken on both sides! I've got others in my life that present the same challenges, and I have to “practice this lesson” more than I'd like too (LOL)! Ahhh, but the silver lining is that the more I practice, I more skilled I get at recognizing these situations and heading them off. I know what you mean about closing yourself off emotionally in self-defense, and knowing you've got to tear down the wall and jump back in emotionaly and mentally and engage the situation, yet doing so from a safe distance! eventually closing the gap. My personal analogy is whern I practice sparring in Tae Kwon Do. Some partners have less self-control and can be dangerous if they get too close, especially when we don't use pads…we're suppose to get close, within a few inches, but not have contact, thought light to medium contact is ok…I don't mind a few bumps and bruises. I contantly work on proper “spacing” depending on whom I'm physically sparring…to stay engaged, but safe at the same time. I apply these same principles to emotional and mental “sparring” matches with people in general in this imperfect world.
Isn't it nice to know that we're not alone here!
Peace, my dear friend! William
P.S.- I put my autorun video on the backburner for now, as I've got so much other stuff going on. I can't thank you enough for all of your help…hey, I'll get there! LOL
I should add that all sparring, mental, emotional of physical, is done in a repectful and courteous manner…no room for anger or hatred allowed…ego has to be checked at the “door of life” (LOL) THIS is real martial arts! William
Egos checked at the door of life! I love that William! I think I'll hang that over my front door! And, I know, one day soon, that video player will be up and running… or it won't, and that will be good too! Have a great rest of the week and thanks for sharing your personal story.